Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
