A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
