Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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