So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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