It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
