guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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