I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
