i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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