I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
When did angry sex become our thing?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
