Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
