cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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