I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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