One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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