Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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