Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
