Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
