Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
