Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
