im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
