halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
