My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
