Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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