you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
