All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
