Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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