at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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