I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
