and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
