i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
