Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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