What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
