I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Sorry about my life...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
