I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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