i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
