Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
