just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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