You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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