I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
