I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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