So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
