Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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