omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
