Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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