everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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