I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
