Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i dont even know how to be here
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Success! We fucked roommates!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
