I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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