i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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