I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
