is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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