am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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